I once heard someone say, “great sex does not just happen. It requires intentionality.”
I strongly agree. I dare say great lovemaking does not happen without some effort in the right direction. I have been married to one husband for 30 years and am post-menopausal. I have learnt that having passionate and mutually satisfying lovemaking in marriage requires, in addition to, intentionality, commitment, communication, and education (information).
Also important to note is that, though used interchangeably, there is a difference between making love and having sex. While lovemaking often includes having sex, they are not necessarily the same activity. There is much more to making love than sexual intercourse. I am also convinced that God intended lovemaking to be enjoyed by both partners and that He created the sex organs not only for procreation but also for pleasure. Statistics show that this is not the case for all married couples.
This blog post will have the flavour of faith in it because spiritual intimacy is a crucial component of successful and refreshing lovemaking. As a Faith-Informed Marriage Counsellor, I believe lovemaking is a physical, emotional, and spiritual fellowship that engages three dimensions of our lives—spirit, soul, and body.
Religion is also not a barrier to having a thriving love cum sexual life. On the contrary, spiritual intimacy appears to enhance the enjoyment of lovemaking. A positive biblical approach to sexual pleasure seems to link sex and marital fulfilment.
I took a certificate course in Therapeutic Marriage Counselling a few years ago. One of the modules included Sex Education. I realised how much I had forgotten and how I was no longer applying the knowledge I had. It was not only refreshing for my work as a marriage counsellor but also for my marriage. I decided to communicate and use the knowledge I had gained with intentionality. It brought a refreshing change to my experience of lovemaking.
Sex in marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Lovemaking enhances the enjoyment of sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is the merging of two people’s physical needs and body parts. Sometimes, it fulfils the physical need of only one of the two people involved. It is possible to have great sex with someone without having an emotional attachment to them because having sex is a biological need. The level of intimacy and emotional connection differs between lovemaking and having sex.
Making love is more about connecting emotional and even spiritual intimacy before, during, and after the act of lovemaking. Lovemaking requires you to be attuned to each other’s needs. It is also a more prolonged process which involves intimate foreplay, touching and eye contact. You talk and check in with each other. The goal is mutual satisfaction and fulfilment. Ultimately, we want to keep our relationship alive and vibrant.
Education/Information:
Knowing the parts of your body and your spouse’s body that responds to sexual stimuli and how to deploy this knowledge is essential. The better you both understand your bodies, the more enjoyable lovemaking can become. That is why I agree that great sex doesn’t just happen; it is learnt. That is why sex education should be an essential component of any marriage counselling, pre- or post-wedding.
This education should also be an ongoing process through different life seasons. How you respond to sex may differ during pregnancy, breastfeeding, child-rearing, illness, pre- and post-menopause etc. Both the husband and wife need to know how to manage the different seasons to enhance their lovemaking.
The couple must know that men and women have different sexual responses. Men are aroused faster, reach orgasm quicker and have resolution faster than women. Women tend to have a slower arousal rate, reach a plateau, ride on it before having an orgasm (when it occurs) and stay on that plateau for longer before having a resolution. Being aware of these differences and working with them will enhance lovemaking.
Some women don’t reach orgasm. Some don’t even know what having an orgasm means. However, it is possible to enjoy the closeness, excitement, and affection that lovemaking provides and the pleasure of sex without an orgasm. Applying knowledge and education by both the husband and wife will enhance the ability to reach an orgasm.
Communication:
Communication is an integral part of any relationship. It is even more important when it comes to lovemaking. Your spouse is not a mind-reader, and neither are you. To enhance lovemaking in marriage, the couple must be prepared to talk about sex—what you like and what you don’t, your expectations, desires, and even fantasies. Communicating these different needs and aspects helps to provide clarity and ensure no boundaries are crossed. The more open you are with each other, the more satisfying your lovemaking will become. Talking and sharing how you feel before, during and after lovemaking deepens the enjoyment and satisfaction of the act.
Lack of communication can lead to faking orgasm to please the other partner. An open and honest conversation will enhance your lovemaking.
Commitment:
Trust and commitment are foundational for a good sexual relationship between a couple. Women generally crave the security commitment provides, which enhances their fulfilment in the relationship. Marital sex is better because you can set aside anxiety and feelings of insecurity. Commitment to each other and your relationship can intensify lovemaking. It is important to note that part of commitment is fidelity to one another. Partners should protect themselves by being faithful to one another; when trust is broken, this may impact negatively on partners’ openness, vulnerability and commitment to sex and lovemaking.
Concluding (for now):
Some tips to enhance lovemaking:
If you and your spouse are too busy to make love or even have sex, you are most likely too busy. Lovemaking requires intentionally creating time for each other. While spontaneity is great, you may need to agree on scheduling making love on your calendar.
It is important that couples are relaxed and prepared hence couples can set the stage for lovemaking much earlier in the day, but that does not necessarily mean making love is intended only for the night. You only need to ensure privacy; making sure no one can listen or barge in. The preparation begins in your mind and thoughts.
Enhancing lovemaking requires creativity, stretching your imagination, and talking to each other about it.
If one partner is exhausted, hugging until they are relaxed, massaging, touching, and feeling exercises will enhance the act and ease all inhibitions.
Do couples need pornography or artificial stimuli to enhance their lovemaking? My short answer is NO. Couples who genuinely love each other and pay attention to their spiritual intimacy will work harder to satisfy each other, become better informed and treat each other with less selfishness and a less self-focussed attitude in lovemaking.
However, there are some barriers to lovemaking and mutually satisfying sexual intercourse, which includes crowded bed, misinformation, issues with body image, trauma, sexual disorders and dysfunctions, etc. Some barriers are also in the mind, stemming from old wives’ tales and myths passed down from generation to generation. Searching for and keeping aligned in the line of truthful information will help couples surmount some of these barriers.
In wrapping this first part of the discourse up, I’d like you to ponder on this: what is your approach to lovemaking and intimacy communicating to your spouse?
I hope this blog post will whet your appetite. There is not enough space to share all we need to know to enhance and receive the refreshing dew on our lovemaking. But I pray that this will motivate you to dig deep, gain knowledge and work hard to apply your learning.
Let’s catch up soon for the next part. In the meantime, go work on enhancing your marriage.
Short Bio:
Irene Titilola Olumese is an Author, Inspirational Speaker, Bible Study Teacher, and a Certified Faith-Informed Professional Transformational Trauma Coach. She is also the Founder of the Feet of Grace Foundation.
Irene’s mission is to inspire hope, enrich lives and facilitate restoration to wholesomeness. Irene is a Certified Professional Transformational Coach (Advanced Practitioner). She is a Trauma-Informed Care Specialist and Integrated Family/Couples Therapeutic Counsellor with training in Dialectic Behavioural Therapy and Trauma-Focussed CBT.
